"Everybody Cryin' "Mercy" But They Don't Know The Meaning Of the Word"

(--apologies to Mose Allison...and H/T to my old friend Richard, in Santa Fe)

Washington Post Neologism Contest:
Each year, the Post asks readers to submit new definitions for pre-existing words. Here’s the current list...
§ Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
§ Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
§ Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.
§ Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.
§ Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
§ Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
§ Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.
§ Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
§ Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.
§ Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
§ Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.
§ Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
§ Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
§ Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
§ Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.
§ Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
§ Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
§ Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
§ Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.
§ Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
§ Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.
§ Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.
§ Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.
§ Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
§ Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.
§ Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.
§ Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.
§ Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.
§ Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
§ Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
§ Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.
§ Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.
§ Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
§ Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent